WHY I’M STILL FEELING THE FEAR AFTER SIX MONTHS OF BLOGGING
Six months ago, I hit the publish button on my lifestyle blog, The FT Times and properly shit myself! Sat in my local library – one of my now many remote ‘office’ spaces, along with several coffee shops that I swear turn the air conditioning on to try and freeze me out when I’ve overstayed my wireless welcome – I felt equally sick and satisfied as I posted on Instagram that my blog was finally live!
FAARRRK!
It’s one of the scariest things I’ve done in terms of work and even whilst comment after comment, like after like; all congratulating me on the birth of The FT Times came rolling in, there was still a massive part of me that felt very exposed and vulnerable.
I wrestled hard with my own negative thoughts that slowly started to creep in, despite all the positive compliments…
“Told you Fatima couldn’t write!”
“Fashion people just aren’t writers.”
“What a load of sychophantic shit!”
“Who cares, FT?”
“Why are you even bothering?”
“Blogging is so 2009!”
I could go on.
But then came the reason why I finally hit ‘publish’.
What prevailed over these crushing fears and what keeps me going even today whenever I question this digital landscape (which is most days, gah!) was this one, simple mantra – it’s my life.
Whether you prefer the Dr. Alban or Bon Jovi version (tough choice, innit?) those words keep me focused because FML, it really hasn’t been easy.
It’s not just the jargon of Word Press, SEO, meta data, keywords, links and analytics that have forced me to get to grips with the basics of blogging on a technical level, it’s mainly the somewhat self-interested, dare I say it, but ‘narcissistic’ side to it all that I often struggle with the most.
A prime example are these photographs taken last summer at Mayfield Lavender Farm.
As a family, we’d go most years as the organic farm is local to us. We run and hide through the lavender, eat scones and fairy cakes and it’s always a very picturesque afternoon.
However, through the years it’s got very busy and I reckon there are more selfie sticks on count than bumblebees!
Anyhow. Summer 2017 was my first solo visit. I say ‘alone’ I had my Olympus camera, prime lens and tripod in tow.
I was the first car to drive onto the gravel carpark at 9:30am as I wanted to get there super early while nobody was about so that I could made a total prick of myself in peace!
This was to be my first photoshoot for my blog and I felt like a right WANKER!
It was cringe as I took pictures trying to work out the self-timer whilst being very aware that the field was slowly starting to fill up.
I never published these photos purely because I was so traumatised, I couldn’t think about putting myself through it all again!
I questioned everything about my blog. Why I was doing it? What was its purpose?
If The FT Times was going to be something people enjoyed, then it had to be useful too, right?
I’ve worked nearly two decades on magazines as a Fashion & Beauty Editor, so I understand how good content has to be a balance between creative and attainable, unique yet useful.
Why would anyone want to see me in a lavender field wanging on about first world woes like how I think a white midi dress is a wardrobe classic in spite of its impractical colour?
I over thought the entire process and once again parked the blog and this set of pictures, poured the wine and started to look for local jobs. As my savings started to dwindled and as a time-rich but cash-poor freelancer, I free-fell into panic mode and started throwing my C.V. out to all manner of local businesses and left the blog locked away on my desktop.
Malbec, gin, Sons of Anarchy, Gilmore Girls and Nashville all helped me see that the problem was glaring me right in the face – it was ME!
Unlike before, I could no longer hide behind a national newspaper or magazine byline – I was putting myself out there and that farrking freaked me right out!
Suddenly I was the writer, the stylist, the photographer, the model, the muse, the hair & make-up artist, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker!
I was putting it all out there to be judged by everyone – from my friends and family to my peers and ex-colleagues.
I FELT SICK!
And six months on – do you know what? – I still feel exactly the same!
Granted, some days are better than others but I question this digital landscape a lot. Just ask Mr. Husband and he’ll tell you that I often say I’m going to quit at least twice a month!
And it’s not a question about having to create my own content (that part for me is The Best) or wanting to sound ungrateful that I now have that work/life balance I yearned for when I was working full-time.
The real issue once again lies in the fear of being in the spotlight – and being judged for putting myself in the spotlight!
Yes, I do suffer from episodes of low-self esteem.
I don’t ever think I am good enough.
I am my own worst critic and I am extremely sensitive.
But with that, I am also very conscientious, self-driven and determined.
I am a deep, deep thinker and according to the psychic who predicted we’d get our kitchen extension in 2019; I have a humanitarian spirit and am passionate for things to be just, to be right and to be good.
In as much as blogging is my creative outlet, it has allowed me the time and opportunity to look at ME, in so many ways.
A bit like listening to a recording of your voice or catching your reflection when you least expect it – so familiar, yet so surprising…
And ultimately, blogging is about putting your honesty out there and six months on, I’m still learning to have the confidence to do that – hence the reason why I don’t post as often as maybe I should.
It takes me blimmin’ ages to hit publish as I pore over my words and pictures. 54 revisions and amends later, I’ll eventually surrender and hit the publish button but still the negative voices whisper…
“I sound like a dick!”
“People will think I’m being sanctimonious.”
“Will they just think I’m bragging?”
In answer to those fears and questions, I’d sincerely hope you’d of course reply ‘No’ but as exhaustion overtakes, usually at 2am when I’ve finally set a blog post free, I have to keep reminding myself that ultimately, I just have to let it go, after all, it’s my life. Take it or leave it, as Dr. A would say. Or it’s now or never and I ain’t gonna live forever – depending if you’re in a soft-rock-hurr-kinda-mood…
Either way, I’m ready (I think!) for the next six months and although feeling the fear is bloody frightening and putting parts of my personal life out there does leave me very vulnerable, I sincerely believe that growth doesn’t really happen when we’re coasting in our comfort zones, innit?
It’s. My. Life. *hits ‘publish’
F.T.
Thank you for reading. Please scroll down to comment. I always love to hear from readers of The FT Times. Don’t be shy. I do not bite xoxo
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Oh, Fatima, this is such a great post and it’s so comforting to know that none of us are alone with our Imposter Syndrome – I’m so glad you’re fighting the fear and hitting publish, I love your posts! ALSO these pictures are absolutely beautiful. XXX
THANK YOU, LUCY! Means so, so much. Especially coming from you, whom I truly admire. BIG LOVE. FT xoxo
Hiya
I so hear you, if it’s of any comfort to you, I have those feelings too. Every single day. The day I left a full time job and a regular pay check to no income was such a scary step, and yes, I too feel very alone most of the time. It’s a complete rollercoaster. But – it’s a good one because it is only you that can make something happen and I am a big believer that everything is possible. I completely admire anyone who sets up their own company. We only have one life. By the way, I absolutely love your content and look forward to reading your posts. Keep at it! SVP x
Thank you Sarah. It’s reassuring to know that I am not alone. Overwhelmed by the love right now. Thank you. F.T. xoxo
Totally see where you’re coming from. Coming out from behind the camera can be terrifying, I think more so the thought of friends and family seeing it than people you don’t know but do you know, being narcissistic is not how we see it as readers. I love your blog, it makes me laugh, looks great and feel like a friend chatting. You’re doing a great job!
For sure, it’s terrifying trying to think what people are thinking of you, but it drives you bonkers and I have to try and remind myself that I cannot control OTHER peoples thoughts, ONLY MY OWN. Thank you for all your lovely words and support for The FT Times. You’re the ones that keep me going 🙂
Love,
F.T. xoxo
I love your posts they are funny, engaging informative and current. Keep it up!
Here’s to the next 6 months!
Thank you Jenna! F.T. xoxo
Just last night I was thinking about your blog and wondering when the next post is going to show up on my email. And there it is! Honest, witty and dressed with beautiful pictures. I love reading your posts. Please don’t give up! You are doing fantastic job!
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” I’ve read this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt another day, I thought you might like it too ? xx
Thank you Iza, truly. I have been overwhelmed by the comments today. THANK YOU. And I love that quote!
F.T. xoxo
So happy you pressed publish. I love your blog and Insta ??
Made my day! Thank you SO much
F.T. xoxo
Love this post Fatima! Brilliantly written x
Awww thank you lovely one. F.T. xoxo
Blimey Fatima that was a bloody good one….. I’d call you a pioneer… crossing our old world (magazines , retail , self deprecating ..) to the new world…. online.. blogging, instagramming, self appreciating!!
Which is all very natural to the new generation who’ve grown up with it .
But what you have taken from that old world, that often the new generation have not got & that sets you apart, is heaps of experience, integrity, talent & old school humility.. now that can’t be bad can it !!! Roni x
I love how you see this, Roni. You’re right, there’s a bridge where these two worlds now collide…there exists both a beast and real beauty. I find that anything that involves change, subsequently throws up fear but it also results in deep growth and it’s the latter that I’m trying to focus on and not the fears. Much love, Roni. I know ya hear me 😉
FT xoxo
Fatima, this is an absolutely brilliant post. What a fantastic read. AND what beautiful images.
I think your blog is brilliant BECAUSE you have these doubts, and you are self-aware. You don’t feel like the entire world comes screeching to halt because you cut your hair or because you didn’t buy Balenciaga knife pumps. You have such a great fresh perspective on the business precisely because you haven’t been doing it for 5 years already. Your inner voice is what so many of us feel when we blog.
Personally, I strike out so many sentences when I write my blog because I’m overly opinionated and confident (Leo!), but I realize many people aren’t and I don’t want to hurt their feelings just because I hate certain trends.
There is nothing better than an authentic perspective about a topic you love, and your blog is just that. xxx
Thank you Lisa, for such lovely, lovely words.
This has made my day and if I had any doubts about quitting this month, they have gone.
Thank you for such encouraging advice – I know you’ve been doing this for a while now, so I appreciate your sage and pragmatic perspective.
And secondly – YOU’RE A LEO? ME TOOOOOOO!
YASSSSSS!
F.T. xoxo
Dear Fatima, I love to receive your blog’s, your truly engaging so please carry on because your good at it! I don’t have Instagram or even read the ft, I’m a 58 year old woman who loves fashion and style and that’s the reason I and many others like to read what you write ?
Thank you so much Melody. I shall keep the blog posts coming, thank you for commenting and I’m so happy you love them.
F.T. xoxo
What a fantastic piece. I am very old school (still prefer magazines) and despair when I see the young ‘uns glued to their phones looking at endless perfect selfie pics (or puppies!). Your blog is a refreshing change- always substance as well as style, so keep up the good work. You definitely have a special gift so don’t ever doubt that! ❤️& ?
Hi Sorraya,
I hear ya! Have you read ‘How to break up with your phone’ it’s a great read and really insightful on how we all need to try and be aware of the impact of wireless devices and how much we use them. I’m still old skool too – but am trying to navigate this digital landscape.
It’s all so intuitive to the youth – they have nothing else to compare it to. GAH!
Thank you for your lovely words too, really means a lot.
F.T. xoxo
I LOVE this! You’re just writing about what all of us think! We all wonder if someone will find us out one day and expose us as impostors 🙂 I also love your blog because it’s REAL! You write from the heart and it’s almost like we’re reading your diary which is why it works so well. Feel the fear and do it anyway! xx
Aaahh! Thank you SO much Aimee. I found my 14 year old diary the other day! Now that REALLY is a shocker hahahah!
Mwah!
F.T. xoxo
I’ve just found you and love this post (a recent newbie to blogging I relate to feeling vulnerable about my writing!). I’ll definitely be following your posts and look forward to many more!
Aaah, thank you Jackie. Lovely to meet you here on the blogosphere.
Thank you for your lovely words
FT xoxo