On some days, I AM A PROPER GROWN-UP. I talk about Ofsted results, read the local paper, make sure we never run out of Persil dishwasher tablets and I will NOT be defeated when it comes to bagging up my wares at the Aldi checkout! (Hands-up if you know what I mean?) #ADULTING #GOALS #RIGHTHERE

Then, on the other six days of the week, I feel so immature (as I eat my Coco Rocks) and wonder how the hell I’ve managed to keep two children alive!?

The Collins Oxford English dictionary defines ‘adult’ as thus (that’s a very grown-up word, innit? ‘thus’).

adult (ædʌlt , US ədʌlt ) countable noun

Christmas is that special time of year when I tend to feel anything but an adult or responsible – especially when alcohol is involved! Arf!

No matter how organised I think I am, there’s always something that makes me feel like a real rookie at this Crimbo lark.

I’m setting the bar high, of course! For starters, I’m comparing myself  to my Mum, my in-laws, my social media feed and Mary Berry – so that’s failure right there, folks!

And so it got me thinking…? When does one officially start adulting Christmas and what does a grown-up festive holiday really look like?

Here are 10 ways to spot those tell-tale signs…

1: YOU STARTED SHOPPING EARLY

If you’ve been shopping since September, then my-oh-my, you are adulting! Or if you had a gift list all ready for Black Friday and made a massive saving, then seriously, fair dues to you. Been buying Christmas gifts throughout the entire year? Oh piss off! (I’m kidding, I’m only jealous. I tell people to piss off if I’m jealous of them. Oh piss off Jessica Biel! See?)

Wait! Redemption can happen in the form of The Random Present Drawer. We have one and it’s great for stock-piling bargains you find throughout the year (mainly found in TK Maxx!). These can be used over Christmas to pad out gifts so give yourself a point if you’ve got this covered. However, if you forgot you even HAD this, then please rank yourself back down to novice status!

2: THERE’S A THEME! OF COURSE THERE’S A THEME!

I never have a theme. OK, I lie. I bought a nice box of crackers from Aldi and they’re silver and white. I thought I’d get silver, scalloped edged napkins to match and white, tall table candles, perhaps a nice lace table runner…but I bet you, I bloody won’t. The likelihood is that I’ll find last years napkins, it won’t match but we’ll just use those, innit!

I might start off with a dream theme or colour scheme, like with the tree decorations, but then it just all gets thrown on. But I am actually intrigued by this ‘theme’ thing – do you buy your decorations new every year then? What happens to all of last years stuff? Where the heck do you store it all? Questions – all the questions. I need to know!

3: YOU’RE A WRAPPING NINJA

*cracks knuckles

I am totally adulting on this one! Let’s be clear though, I don’t love wrapping  – after the first five, who on earth does? But I am quick and I can wrap most things. (Skills handed down by my Mum who can wrap ANYTHING!) I don’t however wrap in front of a roaring fire (’cause we don’t have one) with a glass of mulled wine sat in a knitted jumper. That’s not even adulting is it? That’s just impossible! Instead it’s back ache for days after, finding random sellotape strips for at least the next six weeks after that and wishing all the time I’d just bought bloody gift bags and tissue paper. This year, I ran out of wrap. So I filled in with brown parcel paper and decorative ribbon from good ol’ Matalan which I reckon does the job splendidly. It’s the ‘craft’ theme, see point 2, above.

4. CHRISTMAS BEDDING

Up until last Sunday, this was NOT going to happen in our house. We have never done this before and even when one of the kids asked if we were going to have it, I said no. (Bah Humbug! Same goes for that Elf on the shelf.) However, as with most things in my life it all changed once I went to Aldi and went deep, DEEP into their middle aisle! You know the middle aisle, innit? I wang on about it a lot on Instagram. It’s so, so special. All those things you never knew you needed. Like brushed cotton duvet sets with elves on. Oi! Who snuck more of those Jo Malone dupe diffusers and candles into the trolley!? *coughs

5. YOU’LL GET YOUR OVEN CLEANED

Yes! Yes! I’m adulting on this one, too! *smug face

One of my friends does this regularly (actually, I’m sure many of my friends do this, it’s just that we’ve never had an open conversation about oven cleaning and I’d worry to be honest, if we did. You know what I mean?) I digress. Back to the oven-friend. Anyway, she mentioned it before, in passing and I made a mental note to get ours done. Then life got in the way, innit! (Ofsted results, local papers to read, stocking up on dishwasher tablets…) But this year, I was actually AT HER house when the amazing oven lady came over! I booked her in, there and then and she’s coming this week. WINNING! (JEEEEZ, what have I become!?).

6. YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR DECORATIONS ARE

OK, so most of us know the answer to this but what you may not know is that while you’ve just spent forty quid on new fairy lights and a new topper in the M&S 2 for 1 Christmas promo  – you also bought loads in the sales – last ruddy year! So remember what you’ve bought and squirrelled away. Such a rookie error that I make all the bloody time. GAH!

7. YOU’VE BEEN MAKING PUD SINCE SEPTEMBER

My other mate does this and it’s CHRISTMAS ADULTING GOALS right here! When she began to tell me about how she makes all her puddings (ice cream, mince pies, The Pudding, The Cake) all from scratch, I was like EXCUSE ME? PLEASE? WTAF? This is a big deal – HUGE! Again, like point number 2 with the ‘theme’ how, what, when, why and who? When in September do you wake up and go – I must start making the pudding when I’m still trying to find a school tie!  Is there an app for this? Does it also tell you when to top it up with the alcohol? This, my friends,  I cannot get my head around, at all!  So Santa hats off to you if this is your Chrissy and might you have an extra place for one at your table, please?

8. YOU GIVE THE HOUSE A GOOD CLEAN BEFOREHAND

Me! But that’s also because I am a) Monica Gellar b) One of those people who cleans the house before going on holiday. You?

9. YOU’LL RESERVE AND PRE-ORDER FOOD AND BOOZE

We use to order our meat from the local butcher, then one year we ruined this amazing cut of lamb by cooking it with a really crap bottle of red and another year, we left it too late which is when we just went back to doing the good ol’ supermarket shop. The really frantic one on the 23rd! I reckon, unless you’ve got tons of people over, there’s no real need to panic-panic… but if you are hosting Christmas for the extended family and haven’t ordered your meats or your M&S deserts, then by all means go ahead and nudge that Defcon Christmas level up a notch!

10. THANK YOU NOTES ARE ALL READY AND WAITING

Now, I used to do this without fail for Christmas and birthdays. I would get the kids to painstakingly write hand written Thank You notes in job lots over the course of a couple weeks! (Aren’t I a fun mum?) But then I just got fucking slack, friends. Sorry!!! How on earth do you keep track on the day? I find it impossible unless you run it to military precision and where’s the festive fun in that? I don’t let the kids rip everything open at once, there is some kind of order about it and I try to make mental notes of who bought what, in between watching the cooking and chaffing my tatties. We also stagger the gift opening throughout the day so it IS all appreciated. I must admit, my mum-guilt wears heavy with this one, so it’s one adulting thing I’m going to try and improve this year round…

So there you have it. Now ‘fess up! (I haven’t written that since working for Bliss magazine in 2013!) How did you do? Are you adulting this Christmas? Comment below. I WANT TO KNOW!!!!

And thank you, as always for reading.

Laters my loves…

F.T.